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 Some Random 'Scottish' Jokes

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Join date : 2012-04-27
Age : 30
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PostSubject: Some Random 'Scottish' Jokes   Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:53 pm

What de ye call a Chinese glesweegin at a karaoke?

Sing Wan Song!


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Ye will be when the tide comes in.'


A wee Glesgow woman wis draging her screaming child across Goerges square, when she turnt round and slapped him on the arse.

A german tourist walked up to her and said "Madam, in Germany we do not hit our children". "Is that a fact" she replied, "see in Pertick, we dont gas our Jews"


A Scottish fitbaw fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
The Fitbaw fan replied, "depends how often I kick it."


One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"


Wee Jimmy was in class when his teacher asked him "If I gave you £20 and you gave 5 to Joanne, 5 to Jean, and 5 to Mary how much would you have?"

"Well miss 3 blowjobs and enough change for a kebab." replied Jimmy.


was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste.

She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?"

I said, "We're in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."


I think Jesus might have been Scottish.

Come on he went out on a Friday, got hammered and never rose til Sunday morning.


Andy Murray during Wimbledon: The most promising tennis player in Britain.
Andy Murray after Wimbledon: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.
Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.


Walked down sauchiehall street today and came across a man stark naked, with only a Wellington boot on his 'dingdong' ...I asked him what in Hell was he doing and his reply was "oh nothing, just Fucking a boot"


A woman came up to me in the gym the other day & asked if I knew which exercises would help her lose some weight.
I said 'yeh, try shaking your head from side to side'.
She said 'really, how often should I do that'?
I said 'every time someone offers you food ya fat cunt'!


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